Mom’ish

I’m not even sure anymore what, indeed, is a ‘traditional mother’. I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking I was too untraditional as a parent of two. School letters lay in a towering pile, unopened, until dust made itself comfortable. Sage wisdom and encouraging words came to me always too late for the needed circumstance; sarcasm and humor usually in its stead. Things I was supposed to discipline seemed immaterial while insignificant things loomed too large in my haphazard disciplinary arsenal. ⠀

“You wouldn’t know how to ground me anymore than I would know how to be grounded.” – a line from the movie ‘Easy A’ and one that my daughter pointed out as all-too-accurate for our relationship.

The older I get, however, the more *typical* I am finding those things to be within the brave community of motherhood. I’ve commiserated with other mamas who also felt the things they did – and didn’t do – seemed out of the realms of ‘norm’. I think untraditional is much more traditional than we know. ⠀

My mother was a 7th grade English teacher. She conjugated verbs and added ‘ly’ in all the appropriate places. A bit of her grammar-nazi thinking was eventually passed down to me as well. For that reason, this book title screamed out to me and within 5 minutes it was in my Amazon cart and soon after, on its way to my door. An early Mother’s Day present from me to me. I’ll circle the many recognized lines within its covers and add it to My Funeral file on my computer. (A desktop icon because they’ll never go digging any deeper than that.) ⠀

Don’t use funeral flower gladiolus unless you buy them from Trader Joe’s. Eliminate all cliches from your heartfelt tribute and by all means, if you use a cutesy, curvy font for my birth-death dates I will haunt you and your unborn children for eternity.

Mothers with a loose grip on your mothering style, do yourself a favor and grab this book. ⠀

There’s plenty of room in the margins for copious notes for your offspring…

A FINE ROMANCE by Candice Bergen

The original Murphy Brown TV show came out when I was in the throws of motherhood. I loved watching her show (from an old thing called a VCR -ha!) The writing was funny and her persona helped me feel more secure in womanhood. All things were possible.

My mistake, however, was subconsciously assuming Murphy Brown was, in fact, Candice Bergen. Bergen always plays such strong, independent, female roles. I loved her role in the tv show, Boston Legal. Again, unflappable.

So it was particularly interesting to read her memoir, A Fine Romance. Many of my misconceptions of her changed. (sidenote: not for the good or bad. Just different.)

Candice walks her readers through her early career, her marriage to French director, Louis Malle and their daughter, Chloe. A peek inside Candice Bergen as a mother and wife was a complete thrill. She is warm and gracious and her love for their daughter was – to be honest – convicting. She was a truly incredible mother.

Bergen spends time on the Murphy Brown period – which I particularly enjoyed. And talked of her now husband, Marshall Rose. I enjoyed reading about the struggle she went through while adjusting to another person in her life. She was honest and open about things many of us can relate to.

The biggest thing I enjoyed was her honesty about aging. It is tough, this getting older crap. I laughed many times through this part of her story. Oh Candice, I can relate.

Thank God for my friends. Mothers in their 50’s – running to beefy now, the traditional thickening through the middle. We clumpt together in our middle-age camouflage – black pants, long sleeves, more make-up than in years past – compensating with wit, attention, intelligence, experience. Bringing to bear, not the extra 15, 20 pounds we all seemed to be packing, but our confidence in who we were. The sizeable weight and force of our personalities.

I was initially interested to read this memoir about a woman who shaped many of my generation’s views on womanhood. I was pleasantly surprised to find a woman who is all I expected – independent and strong – yet so many other layers of depth were revealed. She is a wonderfully loving woman who seems to have the gift of giving small tokens of love to those she holds dear. She was always, always, always gracious to the subjects she was writing about. This book was written in 2016 and included a line that made me chuckle: “If Sarah Palin had run for president, we would have brought Murphy Brown back on the air.” I guess Donald Trump had as much material to work with as Sarah Palin did!

Cultured, loyal, well-traveled and fluent in French. An affectionate mother and friend. An ever-evolving and relevant woman even now. A thoroughly enjoyable read.

4.5 out of 5 stars

THE SECRET GARDEN by Frances Hodgson Burnett

 

I was in a bad temper and talking ill of folk and she turns around to me and says ‘Thou doesn’t like this one and thou doesn’t like that one. How does thou like thyself?’

S U M M A R Y   +   P E R S O N A L   T H O U G H T S :

A part of my reading goals for 2018 is to read more classics. When I find myself thinking, ‘Have I read this already? I can’t remember.’ Those are the books I want to intermix with my other readings this year.

The weather has been unusually warm here in Kansas City these past few days. Spring is teasing us. Taunting us into believing that perhaps winter might be over. (Our experience tells us we still have much more winter to go.) These days are what turn my mind to garden planning. Maybe that’s why I gravitated to this classic of English children’s literature. What I did not expect is that it would speak to some of my deepest fears.

[sidenote: There are many English and Scottish phrasings in this book. If that makes it more difficult to read, I highly suggest getting an audio recording of this book. It was the perfect way to listen to this classic.]

*image below found online without authorship

My initial (modern day) reflex to this book was that there was some very sketchy parenting going on! Children being forgotten or left to fend for themselves. If I were a child reading this, however, I’m sure I would think that was super cool!!

Mary Lennox is a sickly, unwanted 10-year-old that is left orphaned after both her wealthy parents died from cholera. Even before their death, however, her parents didn’t want to mess with her, so they left her to be raised by servants who did whatever she asked – leaving her a very spoiled and unlovable child.

Mary is sent to live with her wealthy uncle who is, himself, grieving the loss of his beloved wife. Archibald Craven travels frequently, leaving Mary on her own once again. Living in Yorkshire, England now, Mary wanders the property – initially hating the moor near which her uncle’s grand home was built. In the process of looking at the gardens (and hearing of a secret garden that no one knows how to get into!), she befriends a robin who daringly follows her on her walks and quickly becomes her first friend ever.

Mary’s world begins to drastically change as spring begins to show in the gardens – and especially after the robin leads her to the buried key that unlocks the secret garden.

One of the characters of this book is a weak and ill-tempered hypochondriac little boy named Colin who has overheard all his life that he was going to die soon. He lies in bed, afraid to walk, afraid to be seen by others, afraid to go outside his room – until he meets Mary and her secret garden. Just as being out in nature made a dramatic difference to Mary, Colin also begins to trust in others and believe in his own future of health.

I don’t know that I am a hypochondriac (does one ever know when they’re a hypochondriac??), but after a lifetime of good health, I have encountered some discouraging years of illness lately. After a VERY surprising heart attack and surgeries in my 40’s, l often struggle with the idea that my heart could give out at any moment. This isn’t something I talk about to anyone; it’s something I ruminate over in the dark places of my mind. Catching the flu scares me. Strange aches and pains scare me. Exercising scares me and not exercising scares me. I definitely overthink health now – something I took for granted for so long.

Colin frustrated me and encouraged me at the same time. Initially I thought: HOW could anyone lie in bed worrying about dying just because they overheard someone talking about the possibility someday? But my oh my what a metaphor that was for me. I don’t physically lie in bed worrying, but I am certainly ‘laid up‘ in my mind when the fears overcome the day. Anyone who has struggled with any level of anxiety can understand that. All the ‘logical talk’ only makes sense in the daylight of rational thinking. When the clouds settle in, reasoning doesn’t always make sense.

Amazingly descriptive detail was given to the garden and surrounding English countryside. The temper tantrums and kids-as-bosses added lots of flair in creating the images of the central children of the story. Once these initially spoiled children began thinking about others and how to bring their secret garden back to life, their minds were filled with things other than their own fears and wants. What a beautiful book for a child to read.

But truly, what an important book for an adult to revisit. Are you living your fullest life? Are you being brave when others around you are doubting your strength? Even more difficult, are you being brave when you doubt your own endurance? What treasures are out there, waiting for us to discover if we’d only step outside our self-built boxes and walk into the fresh air of new possibilities.

Give this book a try, friends. You might be searching for A Secret Garden in this stage of your life. A garden you didn’t even know you needed.

M Y  R A T I N G : 5/5

A U T H O R : Frances Hodgson Burnett

P U B L I C A T I O N  D A T E : 1911

P U B L I S H E R : Barnes and Noble Classics Series